Tapping Into The Quiet

Last blog was in February when we put down our beloved dog Hershey and here it is June 24th. How do I get a grip on the time that has passed? Guess that's one motivation to keep writing. When a person sits down with a pen in hand, to listen to the quiet...the words pour like sand through the hourglass. Perhaps this time of quiet has been my moment of silence...a paying of deep respect for the passing of a special presence in my life. Surely there has been healing called from those tiny grains and each tiny little second passed has carried my heart a little further along the river of grief and closer to dry land...a place where the sorrow turns to joy and the sadness becomes a dance of celebration. March was a tearful month and I made art with my memories. In April, an early warmth descended and the garden was made ready for planting weeks earlier than usual...and we were blessed by a birthday visit with our sons. Sam turned 26 reminding us that we have been married for 27 years come August. May was an extremely intense month...bringing both the planting of seeds and upheaval in the home. Stephen opened up the center of our house and a day or two after completing the project, was off to Togus to get some symptoms assessed because he was due to go down to Antigua to sail a boat back on May 20. Instead of having that journey, he had quadruple bypass surgery and I canceled all our play dates to make use of our new kayaks. Then on June 5th, Sam danced his way into a nearly severed achilles tendon as he staged a photo shoot. It was a trauma to deal with after being home from the surgery for just a week. I couldn't see fit to have too much health, so I slammed my finger in the dishwasher. Now my hands are hurting and my efforts to use them are clumsy. Ive already shattered two items this summer and summer started just a couple of days ago. I have been stress tested and called to the caregivers task and with the calling, I have been reminded yet again of my lifelong issues of self care in the balance of care for others. I had my ear debrided and the build up of debris after two years was painful to have removed. But maybe...just maybe I'm beginning to hear again.
I am a star at tending...tending the vegetable garden, tending to Stephen, tending my home...and the more I tend outwardly, the more I feel untended myself. I have neglected to complete the two promises I made...and make and remake on a regular basis...to do 30 minutes of cardio daily and to write for 1 hour. That's it folks...my commitment to myself. Sounds easy, yes? And my blog hasn't been tended since February. My tendency to tend has an addictive quality as I obsess about the house and garden. I am tripped up by my neglect of inner tending. So right now I promise the great Task Master Karma that I will be good. I will do 30 minutes of cardio and an hour of writing to explore my neglected tendencies and once a week I'll dance on this blogspot. There are inner gardens to tend and they are calling me. I hear you.